This is the third installment in Andrea Slavin’s blog detailing her experience this summer with Coach Across America and AmericaSCORES NY. In this week’s piece, she discusses some of the experiences and challenges she has encountered and the growth she has seen in herself and the children she works with. The name of the youngster that Andrea focuses on in this blog has been changed.
Read Andrea's First Blog Here.
Read Andrea's Second Blog Here.
By Andrea Slavin:
As I have stated in my previous blogs, the kids that I work with
have a very special place in my heart. Because I work with at
risk children, I think it's important for them to have a good
relationship with a role model who is an understanding person.
Every child has to deal with struggles that some adults never have
to deal with in their life. This is a huge reason why some of the
kids have the problems and issues they do.
As a coach, when you take a step back and try and figure out the
reasons why a child acts the way he/she does, only then can you try
and make an impact and help the child. A lot of the kids that I
work with have anger issues that are sometimes displayed through
violent behavior. This blog will be about my journey with a first
grader, Alex, thus far. To me, Alex makes this experience with CAA
the most rewarding because I’ve seen him grow more than any
child I’ve been working with.
Alex has a lot of aggression built up inside of him. Every day that
he comes to a session, he ends up hurting someone. I do my best to
watch him with a close eye, but it's difficult to watch a child's
every move when you're responsible for 18 other kids. Three weeks
ago, Alex’s behavior was extremely out of control. He would
trip kids and laugh, punch them because they looked at him wrong,
or kick them because he felt like it. After I saw his violent
behavior, I would give him a ‘time-out’. To be honest,
the last thing I want to do is have a child sitting on the side.
However, when someone is putting other kids in harm’s way,
you have to do what is necessary for the safety of all the
students. After taking Alex out of the situation, I would sit and
talk to him about what occurred and how he could act more
appropriately the next time. However, this method
didn’t work that well. When Alex would sit in time-out, he
never behaved. He loved to run around, climb on benches, trip
people, and throw things at kids. So after the first week of
struggling with Alex and trying different things with him, I took
the weekend to figure out more creative ways to try and improve his
behavior.
I came to find that what works best for Alex is giving him a
time-out with a true time limit. I would tell him that he would
have to prove to me that he was ready to participate again. This
would keep him a little extra motivated to behave more
appropriately. However, this only worked to a certain extent. But,
it did open the door for Alex to start making some strides with his
behavior when interacting with the children.
The first positive stride he made was changing his "just because he
felt like it" attitude. Now if he hurts someone, there seems to be
a “reason”. For example, I would ask him why he elbowed
someone and he would reply, "Because he cut me on line. I wouldn't
cut him on line, it's not fair." While I am not giving him good
marks because at times he is still hurting other children, I think
that it's important to see when a child is changing. I know
that Alex’s issue is not one that can change overnight,
however, I know it is something that can improve with time.
And seeing those small changes lets me know that what I am doing is
working.
I believe that my next step with Alex is what really started his
big turn-around. I noticed that when he would sit on the side, he
would calm down, but would immediately get too excited when allowed
to participate again. When he gets too excited, it’s almost
like he can’t control his own actions. So, what I started to
do with him is the best thing I could have ever done. If Alex used
violence to let out his anger, I would give him 5 minutes to sit on
the side. Then, I would call him over and for the next 5-10 minutes
he would become my assistant. This included things like keeping
score for scrimmages, getting equipment, being a ref, or even just
being my little sidekick. He loved every minute of it. It seems
that Alex learns from his mistakes when he’s given time to
cool off, and then is slowly reintroduced to the group. So, Alex
goes from time-out to assistant to complete participation. This
method seems to work wonders and is helping to make obvious changes
in his behavior. I just wish that more people in Alex’s life
were on board with me, trying to improve his issue. Instead, he is
usually blamed and punished without anyone trying to find out the
truth to the story.
I feel bad for Alex and I know that what he needs in his life
is some positive reinforcement and to not feel like he will always
be blamed. The counselors of the camp that he is in are always very
quick to blame him without trying to figure out an entire
situation. For example, last Wednesday, Alex elbowed someone. I sat
down with him and asked him if he knew why I sat him out. He knew
why and he began to apologize. He went up to the child that he
elbowed and apologized very nicely, and he sincerely meant it. I
told him to take 5 minutes to cool off, but also told him that if
anyone asks why he is sitting, just to say, “I just need a
break.” Sure enough, a counselor came over to him and
screamed, "Alex, what did you do now?!" I went up to her and said
“ It’s nothing, he just needs a little break” .
I'm glad that I handled the situation in that manner because the
last thing Alex needed was more people yelling at him. He needs to
try and learn that his behavior is not appropriate, but then he
also needs a chance to prove that he can be better.
I've been working so hard with Alex and I'm happy that I can be a
positive role model for him, but I feel bad because I feel like I
am one of the few people who tries to understand him and work with
him. If someone in the class tells the counselor that Alex hurt
him, the other leaders don't even ask for Alex's side. Now, I know
that it's easy to take the simple route, but for me, this
experience is not about what's easy. It's about being fair and
trying making a difference in a child's life. Alex may be
aggressive, but he is an honest child. If I ask him what happened,
he will always tell me the truth. He is becoming very familiar with
the consequences for his actions and has yet to lie about a
situation regarding another child. This past Friday, I told Alex
that we were going to keep a tally of how many times he tells me
when he's angry instead of using violence. He was so excited to see
what number we could get up to. Sure enough we got up to 8 on
Friday. At one point, he came up to me and said, "Coach Dre, I'm
angry because he laughed at me. I think I need a minute to cool
off." I gave him a high five, told him I was proud and kept him
next to me as my assistant until he was all calmed down. This
worked like a charm, and the other coaches noticed how his behavior
improved. This immediately put a smile on my face because for
someone else to notice a change means that Alex is really making a
break through.
Yesterday might have been one of the cutest things he’s done
thus far, and one of my proudest moments. As a warm-up, Coach Rose
and I set up stations with all sorts of equipment and fun
activities to do. Alex walked into the gym and you could see the
excitement on his face, and especially from his body language. I
went up to him and gave him a high five and asked him if he was
ready to make me proud. He smiled, said yes, and ran to where we
gathered the kids. After Coach Rose explained what to do at the
stations, Alex came up to me and said, “Coach Dre, I think I
have to give myself a time-out.” I replied, “Alex, why?
We didn’t even start yet!” He said to me, “This
looks like so much fun and I’m too excited. I always mess up
when I’m too excited. I think I need a break.” Keep in
mind that this is only after 10 minutes of him being in the gym,
and only after 3 weeks of working with him. I said to him,
“Alex! I’m so proud of you. The fact that you can
acknowledge that you’re so excited means that you will do the
right thing! I think you can participate and I know you will make
me proud. What do you think?” He looked at me with a huge
smile, hugged me and nodded. He ran off extremely happy. In the
next 20 minutes of the warm up, the only thing Alex could have
improved upon was only one instance. He raised his voice to another
classmate, and I wish he didn’t. However, I looked at him
with a little face, letting him know he shouldn’t have raised
his voice. Immediately, he apologized to his teammate. I was SO
happy and SO proud of him.
I can't wait to see how Alex will be in two weeks from now because
I know he's going to be even better than he has shown me so far.
What I get out of coaching is great experiences, like I'm having
with Alex. Not only am I expanding my coaching techniques and
soccer knowledge, but I am also getting a hands-on experience
dealing with different kinds of children. I've read about how to
deal with at risk children, but reading can only teach you so much.
Actually getting the experience to work with kids like Alex is much
more beneficial and makes me feel as if I can teach any sort of
population. My goals before beginning with CAA were to have an
experience that would open my eyes to teaching all types of
children and having an experience that would make me grow as a
teacher, coach and person. I already feel like I've met my goal and
coming up on my last two weeks of working with CAA are so
bittersweet. I can’t wait to see where my kids will be by the
end of next week, however, I don’t want next week to end!
I’m having too much fun for my experience with CAA to be
coming to a close
